The Asylum, USA, 2014
AKA: Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark
Director: Emile Edwin Smith
Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes
Cast: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Röhm, Matt Lagan, Paul Anderson, Debbie Gibson, Fiona Hardingham, Hannah Levien, Emma Rose Maloney, Steve Hanks, Simon Barbaro, Marshall Dunn, Colin Flynn, David Salsa, Robert Sisko, Alain Gerard, Benjamin Ballarin, Phil Biedron, Luca Bello, Andrew Bongiorno, Beejan Land, Lance Buckner, Janet Cao, Vincent Cusimano, Delanie Fischer, Cameron Gordon, Brett Lorenzini, Kate Avery, David O’Donnell, Jill Hagara, Sylvia Panacione, Natalie Pellegrini, Jordan R Jackson, Jonez Jones, Bill Voorhees, Billy Walker, Matt Wool, Robert Daniels, Samantha Ketcherside, Steve Troublesome Castillo, Ozzie Devrish, Derek Easley, Patrice Gibbs, Hans Hernke, Steve Huang, Terry F. Smith
Well, Jack and Rosie is on a boat and there is this iceberg, which isn’t supposed to be there and… no it’s not Titanic. It’s the return of Mega Shark. After fighting a giant octopus in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (4/10) and a prehistoric 1500 foot long crocodile in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (which I tried to watch on TV a couple of years back, but fell asleep to = no rating), it’s time for his third attempt at the titel. This time he’s up against Mecha Shark. A hyper modern mechanical shark/US Navy war machine. I don’t know if they got the idea from the Japanese navy, but if I’m not entirely mistaken the Japanese tried something similar once when they had a problem with a mutated dinosaur. Anyway, it’s not entirely correct to say Mega Shark is back, since it appears to be a new megalodon rather than the same one.
A tugboat is tugging (yup, that’s what they do) a big iceberg through the mediteranian but as they approach the port of Alexandria the iceberg cracks and reveals a Megalodon trapped inside it. The Shark hits the tugboat width it’s tail which makes the boat fly through the air and decapitate the sphinx. There is a sphinx in Alexandria but the one that is hit is the big and famous one by the pyramids at Giza. That’s 178 kilometers. Is that possible even for Mega Shark? I don’t think so. But on the other hand it can also redirect torpedoes with it’s tailfin and thus destroy submarines, body slam aircraft carriers so they sink, jump up and catch Boeing 7474s in the sky and eat entire fishing boats.
Mega Shark keeps turning up where You least expect him wreaking havoc and eventually all traffic on the seas are shut down, world trade is suspended and global economy sinks like a stone. Married couple Jack and Rosie is called in to try to stop it. Rosie is to pilot Mecha Shark and Jack is co-piloting from a computer room on Admiral Engleberg’s war ship. Admiral Engleberg is an important naval officer. He’s got a direct phoneline (via satellite) to the president and furthermore he knows people on every single ship that is sunk by Mega Shark. Two thirds of the film is Mecha looking for the Mega, bumping into it and loosing it again. Then Dr. Emma MacNeil, from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus calls in and tell them she’s figured out where the Mega’s heading and why. Her part is small, basically explaining stuff we (and Jack, Rosie and the US Navy) need to understand, over the phone. Probably just so the filmmakers could put Debbie Gibson’s name on the poster. Mega Shark is heading for Sidney, Australia. This is probably where it was born millions of years ago and it’s going back to look for a mate. When he doesn’t find one they’re going to have one horny aggressive megalodon on their hands.
Mecha has an accident and when Rosie has been retrieved from it, it suddenly enters “Drone Mode”, and starts to act on it s own. It doesn’t respond to any commands and now on top of the Mega they have a fully armed rouge Mecha to worry about. The Mecha ends up on land crushing Sidney’s operahouse, but turns out to have an “amphibian mode” to, and starts moving on land trashing the center of Sidney. Rosie manages to get on to and into the Mecha to try to regain control while army and air force blast away at it. Jack picks up a dirt bike and goes after Mecha.
The dirt bike Jack picks up is an Ahamay. I’ve never heard of that company, but it looks very much like a Yamaha only with kick-starter and exhaust on the “other” side. Don’t know why they mirrored those frames but maybe Jack was going in the wrong direction and they didn’t realize a bike isn’t exactly symmetrical. Everyone keep driving on the wrong side of the road to, since the filmmakers probably didn’t know (or just didn’t care) Australians drive to the left.
I thought Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus was boring but had it’s moment. This one is boring without moments. I guess it’s ok on a rainy Sunday afternoon if you’re hung-over and got nothing better to do, but don’t expect to much. Some of the CGI is terrible even if Mega actually looks better than in the first one, and acting is so-so. Most of the film is Rosie in the control seat of the Mecha and everyone else talking in the computer room. Maybe it would have been better if they’d cut down on the talking and gone for more action. The action scenes (even if they to are pretty stupid) is what saves this movie from a total disaster.
My verdict: 3 out of 10.
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