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Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

The Asylum, USA, 2014
AKA: Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark
Director: Emile Edwin Smith
Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes
Cast: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Röhm, Matt Lagan, Paul Anderson, Debbie Gibson, Fiona Hardingham, Hannah Levien, Emma Rose Maloney, Steve Hanks, Simon Barbaro, Marshall Dunn, Colin Flynn, David Salsa, Robert Sisko, Alain Gerard, Benjamin Ballarin, Phil Biedron, Luca Bello, Andrew Bongiorno, Beejan Land, Lance Buckner, Janet Cao, Vincent Cusimano, Delanie Fischer, Cameron Gordon, Brett Lorenzini, Kate Avery, David O’Donnell, Jill Hagara, Sylvia Panacione, Natalie Pellegrini, Jordan R Jackson, Jonez Jones, Bill Voorhees, Billy Walker, Matt Wool, Robert Daniels, Samantha Ketcherside, Steve Troublesome Castillo, Ozzie Devrish, Derek Easley, Patrice Gibbs, Hans Hernke, Steve Huang, Terry F. Smith

Well, Jack and Rosie is on a boat and there is this iceberg, which isn’t supposed to be there and… no it’s not Titanic. It’s the return of Mega Shark. After fighting a giant octopus in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (4/10) and a prehistoric 1500 foot long crocodile in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (which I tried to watch on TV a couple of years back, but fell asleep to = no rating), it’s time for his third attempt at the titel. This time he’s up against Mecha Shark. A hyper modern mechanical shark/US Navy war machine. I don’t know if they got the idea from the Japanese navy, but if I’m not entirely mistaken the Japanese tried something similar once when they had a problem with a mutated dinosaur. Anyway, it’s not entirely correct to say Mega Shark is back, since it appears to be a new megalodon rather than the same one.

A tugboat is tugging (yup, that’s what they do) a big iceberg through the mediteranian but as they approach the port of Alexandria the iceberg cracks and reveals a Megalodon trapped inside it. The Shark hits the tugboat width it’s tail which makes the boat fly through the air and decapitate the sphinx. There is a sphinx in Alexandria but the one that is hit is the big and famous one by the pyramids at Giza. That’s 178 kilometers. Is that possible even for Mega Shark? I don’t think so. But on the other hand it can also redirect torpedoes with it’s tailfin and thus destroy submarines, body slam aircraft carriers so they sink, jump up and catch Boeing 7474s in the sky and eat entire fishing boats.

Mega Shark keeps turning up where You least expect him wreaking havoc and eventually all traffic on the seas are shut down, world trade is suspended and global economy sinks like a stone. Married couple Jack and Rosie is called in to try to stop it. Rosie is to pilot Mecha Shark and Jack is co-piloting from a computer room on Admiral Engleberg’s war ship. Admiral Engleberg is an important naval officer. He’s got a direct phoneline (via satellite) to the president and furthermore he knows people on every single ship that is sunk by Mega Shark. Two thirds of the film is Mecha looking for the Mega, bumping into it and loosing it again. Then Dr. Emma MacNeil, from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus calls in and tell them she’s figured out where the Mega’s heading and why. Her part is small, basically explaining stuff we (and Jack, Rosie and the US Navy) need to understand, over the phone. Probably just so the filmmakers could put Debbie Gibson’s name on the poster. Mega Shark is heading for Sidney, Australia. This is probably where it was born millions of years ago and it’s going back to look for a mate. When he doesn’t find one they’re going to have one horny aggressive megalodon on their hands.

Mecha has an accident and when Rosie has been retrieved from it, it suddenly enters “Drone Mode”, and starts to act on it s own. It doesn’t respond to any commands and now on top of the Mega they have a fully armed rouge Mecha to worry about. The Mecha ends up on land crushing Sidney’s operahouse, but turns out to have an “amphibian mode” to, and starts moving on land trashing the center of Sidney. Rosie manages to get on to and into the Mecha to try to regain control while army and air force blast away at it. Jack picks up a dirt bike and goes after Mecha.

Don't You just hate it

The dirt bike Jack picks up is an Ahamay. I’ve never heard of that company, but it looks very much like a Yamaha only with kick-starter and exhaust on the “other” side. Don’t know why they mirrored those frames but maybe Jack was going in the wrong direction and they didn’t realize a bike isn’t exactly symmetrical. Everyone keep driving on the wrong side of the road to, since the filmmakers probably didn’t know (or just didn’t care) Australians drive to the left.

I thought Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus was boring but had it’s moment. This one is boring without moments. I guess it’s ok on a rainy Sunday afternoon if you’re hung-over and got nothing better to do, but don’t expect to much. Some of the CGI is terrible even if Mega actually looks better than in the first one, and acting is so-so. Most of the film is Rosie in the control seat of the Mecha and everyone else talking in the computer room. Maybe it would have been better if they’d cut down on the talking and gone for more action. The action scenes (even if they to are pretty stupid) is what saves this movie from a total disaster.

My verdict: 3 out of 10.

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Deep Blood

Deep Blood

Filmirage/Variety Film Production, Italy, 1990
AKA: Sangue Negli Abissi, Sharks, Wakan
Director: Raffaele Donato, Joe D’Amato
Writer: George Nelson Ott
Cast: Frank Baroni, Cort McCown, Keith Kelsch, James Camp, Tody Bernard, John K. Brune, Margareth Hanks, Van Jensens, Don Perrin, Claude File, Mitzi McCall, Tom Bernard, Charlie Brill, John K. Burns, Laura Gemser, Robert LaBrosse

This starts off like a Steven King story or something. Four best friends are roasting hot dogs on the beach, and they are like the best friends anyone can have. This guy that looks a lot like Yoda shows up and tells them about some native american curse and how his tribe had to fight Wakan, a monster from the sea. He gives the boys a box with old arrowheads. After cutting themselvs and mixing their blood to be bloodbrothers they bury their knives along with the box. I didn’t really get why, but maybe Yoda was like the last of the mohikans and the boys were to take over his tribes job of fighting this monster.

Next it’s ten or so years later and the four friends are in their late teens and everyone is home for the summer. A woman, who’s young son is on the beach and witness it all, is the first victim to Wakan who is indeed a monster from the sea. Wakan really stands out and You could easily spot him in a pool full of Great Whites, since he has a dark fin. Next he kills John, one of the four friends, and the sharkhunt is on.

It doesn’t take long before a shark is caught and killed. The water is safe again and everyone is happy except for Miki, one of the four friends. He insists they got the wrong shark, since it’s got a white fin. Nobody listens to him until a young woman is killed. So the sharkhunt is on once again. The remaining three friends dig up the box of arrowheads, load a boat up with explosives and head out to sea. They have some sort of “shark attractor” that beeps and flashes a little lamp, so they rig the explosives up and starts the beeper to lure Wakan into the trap.

Deep Blood is a very pale copy of Jaws, and if I had to descrbe it in one word it would be boring. It’s not terribly bad. It’s just that nothing happens. It’s more of a relation drama than a horror film and it’s very much people talking about their problems in life and very little sharks and killings. The musical score is extremely anoying and I was afraid it would drive me mad before the film was over. Could somebody please harpoon the guy with the synth?

If You forget about sheriff Brody, I mean Cody and the science guy when they are in the lab and look at the female assistant You might recognize Emanuelle. She keeps her back to the camera and she’s wearing clothes so she’s easy to miss.

Oh, and Wakan is supposed to be a Great White. He can’t be more than two meters so I’d say he is only a “Small White”, or maybe just a baby shark.

My verdict: 3 out of 10.

Shark Lake

Shark Lake

Bottom Line Entertainment/FLF Films/Parkside Pictures/Tadross Media Group/Verdi Productions, USA, 2015
AKA: The Lake
Director: Jerry Dugan
Writer: Gabe Burnstein, David Anderson
Cast: Dolph Lundgren, Sara Malakul Lane, Lily Brooks O’Briant, Michael Aaron Milligan, Lance E. Nichols, Kay Galvin, James Chalke, Frederick Douglas Plunkett Jr., Ibrahim Renno, Miles Doleac, Ted Ferguson, Carol Ann Scruggs, Melissa Bolona, Jeremy Jude, Matalin Rayborn, Kelsey Deanne, Bobby C. King, Kim Baptiste, Ele Bardha, Andrew Stern, John Ceallach, James Donald, S.T. Streetman, Christine Hilts, Jermaine Hines, Hannah Jacole Powell-Yost, Jerry Atkinson Jr., Gage Banister, Alexandra Bujan, London Curtis, Greg Faul, Richard Maximus Fleming-Vlamingen, Tom Holzhauser, Philip Schreck, Lauren Margaret Wills

Dolph Lundgren is Clint Gray, an animal trafficker. He finds rare and dangerous animals for people who are willing to pay. According to the police he has, among other things, kept a burmese python, a wolf and a tiger in his house. In his van on his way to deliver such an animal, his house is raided by the police. There’s a high speed pursuit ending with Clint going of the road and into the lake. He gets shot by a female deputy, and ends up in jail.

Five years later he is released. The same deputy who shoot him has taken care of his daughter Carly while he was gone, and she is determined to do whatever she can to stop him from seeing her. At the same time some wild animal attacks and kills an old man at the lake. Everyone thinks it’s a bear so they find a bear and shoot it. Well it wasn’t a bear but a shark living in the lake. On the night of his arrest Clint was delivering the shark to some Mafia guy and when he crashed into the lake the shark got away.

This Mafia guy had paid for the shark so he figures Clint either pay him back or catches the shark for him. He threatens to hurt Carly if he doesn’t get it his way. The police is trying to catch the shark aided by a creepy wildlife documentary host and when that doesn’t work out so well they plan for a reward that will make every fisherman by or close to the lake want to catch it.

Carly sneaks off to go look for her dad. He’s not home so she checks out his boat. She is reported missing and police suspects Clint has kidnapped her. He doesn’t know Carly is hidden aboard as he goes shark fishing.

Everyone and his mother seem to really hate this film. OK, the story might be a bit predictable and the CGI looks pretty cheap, but apart from that I don’t think it’s to bad. It’s got Dolph and it’s got sharks. What else could You want?

My verdict: 6 out of 10.