Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Mega Shark vs. Gigant Octupus

The Asylum, Giant Seafood, USA, 2009
AKA:
Director: Jack Perez
Writer: Jack Perez
Cast: Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Vic Chao, Jonathan Nation, Mark Hengst, Michael Teh, Chris Haley, Sean Lawlor, Dustin Harnish, Dean Kreyling, Stephen Blackehart, Dana DiMatteo, Myles Cranford, Dana Healey, John Bolen, Larry Wang Parrish, Aki Hiro, Russ Kingston, Stephanie Gernhauser, Cooper Harris, Matt Lagan, Douglas N. Hachiya, Hunter Ives, Johnny Gilligan, Michael Allendorf, Colin Broussard, Mikos Zavros, Elijah Flores, Daniel Schachtel, Nathan Sikes, David Meador, Jay Beyers, Michael C. Parisi, Michael Drummond, Molly Drummond, Emily Lavigna, Michelle Hodnett, Silje Gruner, Joey Ruggles, Knayi Clement, Brandon Plemons, Conrad Lihilihi, Rebecca Helm, Chan Park, Chuck Willis, Craig Childress, Jay Cynik, Andrew Hamilton, Artem Shatokhin, Jason Covington, Alan Michael Woods, Angela Guerrero, James Rolls, Julia Torchine, Sharon Stockbridge, David William James Elliott, S. Henderson, Sergio Kato, Jack Perez, Dana Tomasko

Oceanographer Emma McNeil is in a experimental minisub off the Alaskan coast in an unsanctioned dive looking for whales. She didn’t technically steal the sub but she borrowed it without asking. She finds a big herd of whales but something happens. The whales seem to be disturbed by something and several of them seem to lose their ability to navigate, making them crash into an iceberg. There is some sort of secret testing of a LFAS (low frequency automatic sonar) going on and nobody was supposed to be in the area. The LFAS affects the subs instruments too, and Emma has a hard time trying to steer it in the middle of a stampede of whales. The iceberg cracks and two enormous shapes seem to leave after geting loose from being trapped in the ice.

In California a big whale carcass has been washed ashore and Emma is called there together with her boss to determine what has killed the whale. The beach is sealed off by “suits”. Emma want to examine the whale to see what caused it’s death, but her boss decides the wounds to be caused by a propeller. Emma sneaks back to the beach later that night and find something big and strange embedded in the whale’s flesh. The next day she is fired from her job over “borrowing” the experimental sub and causing severe damages to it. She contacts her old professor, Sanders, and he is sympathetic, since he once got fired from the navy for stealing a sub himself. After some research and some tests they determine the object Emma found in the whale to be a tooth. A humongous prehistoric tooth from a Megalodon.

Meanwhile an oilrig off the coast of Japan is destroyed. Authorities blame seismic activity, but the sole survivor claims it was a monster from the sea. Oceanographer Seiji Shimada is investigating the event and somehow he and Sanders gets in contact. Shimada travel to the US to meet Sanders and Emma. He is impressed by the Megalodon tooth, but a giant shark doesn’t fit in with what his witness from the oilrig described. Emma gets a DVD delivered with footage from the minisub’s cameras. Now they can see both a megalodon and a giant octopus leaving the iceberg. The shark and the octopus were both frozen in the ice and now there are two different prehistoric beasts out there.

All of a sudden armed men tear down Sanders’ door and haul the tre scientists off at gun point. They are taken to a secret facility where they learn that the two monsters have attacked both civilian and military vessels all over the world, taking down oil rigs and even airplanes. The navy has tried in vain to kill them but now they need help from Emma, Sanders and Shimada. The three agree to help, in exchange for the government trying to capture the creatures for study rather than destroy them.

Emma. Sanders and Shimoda works around the clock with mixing different colors in the secret lab. You know it’s a military laboratory since it’s patrolled by armed guards wearing camouflage and dark sunglasses indoors in the middle of the night. Emma and Shimada sneaks off and have sex in a broom cupboard and then at last, they find the exact color they need. It’s time to go fishing.

So how bad is it? Well, the title for one thing is not so bad. Apart from that it’s pretty bad. Unfortunately not in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way, but just plain bad. The CGI sucks and the script is dull. It’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen (or even among the very worst), since it was still watchable. I’d say the big problem is it was boring. If You like the idea of two giant sea monsters coming alive and continuing a fight they started 10 (or 18, depending on who You believe in) billion years ago, of a shark jumping up in the air and snatching 747’s, of a giant octopus breaking warships in half and demolishing oil rigs, watch the trailer. All the cool stuff from the film is already there. The rest is just filling.

My verdict: 4 out of 10.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Syfy/The Asylum, USA, 2011
AKA: ?
Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman
Cast: Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, A Martinez, Kathryn Joosten, Kevin M. Horton, Carey Van Dyke, Micky Dolenz, Robert R. Shafer, Carl Ciarfalio, Steve Hart, Kaiwi Lyman, Patrick Hancock, Arden Cho, Chris Neville, Kristen Wilson, Jack Nathan Harding, Angelica Acedo, David Bantly, Kimberly Bishop, Harmony Blossom, Colleen Bosler, Jay Beyers, Clint Brink, Eddie Caldwell, Ashley Carr, Mo Caudell, Antonio D. Charity, Kate Charceston, Lauren Kim, David Chick , Robert Chu, Jenifer Cononico, Kenny Cooper, Jo Jo Crown, Candice Cunningham, Frank Lyon, Michael Dixon, Jeff DuJardin, Kim Farris, Andy Finan, Vicki Finan, Taryn T. Francis, Myron Fulton, David L. Garber, Enid Garber, Howard Gibson, Peter Grimaldo, Suzanne Gutierrez, Song Hanz, Jon Henderson, John F. Henry II, Daniel Hepner, Kylan James, Justin Jones, Mark Kivisto, Rachel Lary, Ryan Latour, Banen, Armonn Livingston, Scott Mannschreck, Lucy Mattos, Roxanna Medina, Henry Miller, Khin Myint, Cindy Newland, Derric J. Nugent, Cassandra Peca, Isabel Perez, Danielle Phelan, Antonio Quinn, Lauren Rideau, Renee Riess, Elma Rogers, Gabriella Volquartz, Peter Trenholm Smith, Vanessa Claire Stewart, Craig Stansfield, Archie Tullos ,Joseph Vega, April Wahlin, Carlo, Meredith Zerda, Valerie K. Garcia, Gregory Paul Smith, Timothy E. Goodwin, Gil Harris, Vincent De Paul, Sarah Belger, Coby Bird, Nick Bird, Thomas J. Clark, Deanna DeLisle, Jay Gillespie, Joseph Kintzer, Bob Merrick, Andrew Senita, Jennifer Skiffington, Douglas Smith, January Welsh, John Escobedo Jr., Nathan Krosley, Gary Colón, Kristen Erdogan, Erin Kolpek, Abbey Lerman, Nadejda Klein, Eric Scott Cooper, Roxy Gannon, Michael Gaglio, Angela Landis, Joseph Martinez, Ken Anthony II, Cash Flagg Jr., Mc Jones, Travis Seaborn, Christian Villarreal, Marissa Welsh

Dr. Nikki Riley and her group of animal rights activists break in to a private house and steal a number of pythons which they set free in the Everglades. There aren’t really any natural enemies to the snakes and they start to grow into extreme sizes. Eventually they start to attack alligators and kills 72 of them over a weekend. The decline in alligators make Park Ranger Terry O’Hara stop all alligator hunting permits. This upsetts the local hunters, but when she finds out giant snakes are the cause of the decline, she issues hunting permits for pythons instead. Dr. Riley isn’t happy and she and her group rally ouside the Park Ranger office.

Before the hunting expedition leaves one of the rangers instructs them on how to cut the snakes heads off and stresses the fact that they have to crush the heads after cutting them off, since they can stay alive up to an hour after being separated from the body. This information could have come in handy later on in the movie if everybody had listened. The snakehunters manages to kill some of the big pythons, but the pythons strike back and several of the hunters are killed. Among them Terry’s fiancee justin. Terry vows to avenge his death, and to get rid of all the snakes she figuers bigger alligators would tip the scale. Together with a co-ranger she in secret starts to inject dead chickens with anabolic steroids, and feed them to the alligators. Her plan seems to work since the alligators are getting bigger and the pythons are getting fewer. Terry doesn’t know that Nikki and her group has put up cameras all over the place and has managed to film Terry feeding the gators.

Six months later Terry is planning a fund raiser to help preserv wildlife. Dr. Diego Ortiz asks her to cancel the fund raiser. He has witnessed a huge python and an even bigger alligator fight each other and he realises there is a war between the two gigantic species. He wants to call in the National Guard before things get even worse. Terry refuses to listen and goes ahead with the fund raiser. Diego finds hundreds of alligator eggs 30 times their normal size. He blows them up with dynamite, but later he finds a cave where there are thousands more. Nikki and her group discovers a python skeleton the size of a train and get attacked by an alligator big as a house. She realises why Terry was feeding the gators and what she has done, so she heads for the fund raiser to confront her. Terry and Nikki gets into a catfight nockin glasses, chairs and tables over. They fight all over the place and end up in the river. During their figt Diego has tried to call them to get them to evacuate. The alligators and the pythons has stopped fighting and are on their way to town and the fund raiser together. Finally Terry and Nikki realise they have to stop fighting and work together if they are gonna be able to stop the reptiles from getting all the way to Miami.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is rather silly really, but I suppose nobody expects any Oscar nominations from The Asylum or SyFy. If You take it for what it is, it is entertaining at least. I thought it was fun, but it won’t make my top 10 list. Probably not even my top 100. If You never saw a snake eat a train this film is for You.

My verdict: 4 out of 10.