Shark Night 3D

Shark Night

Incentive Filmed Entertainment, Next Films, Sierra / Affinity, Silverwood Films, USA, 2011
AKA:
Director: David R. Ellis
Writer: Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg
Cast: Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katharine McPhee, Joel David Moore, Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Sinqua Walls, Alyssa Diaz, Chris Zylka, Jimmy Lee Jr., Damon Lipari, Christine Bently, Kelly Sry, Tyler Bryan, Stephanie Crow, Jessie Jalee, Nadiya Khan, David Speed, Michael Warren, Stephen Warren

Seven students (and a dog) of Tulane University heads off for a weekend at Sara’s private vacation home on an island in Lake Crosby. One of them looses one of his arms while waterskiing. At first they think it’s some sort of freak accident, but they soon realize it was a sharkattack. OC, phones don’t work on the island so some of them tries to take him to a hospital, but the boat is attacked by the shark, one of the girls ends up in the water and is killed. The boat crashes and explodes, so now we have six kids on an island without boat and one is seriously injured. Fortunately two locals turn up (one of them is Saras ex-boyfriend) and two of the kids go with them to call for an ambulance helicopter.

The dead girl was the injured guys girlfriend and when he hears the shark killed her he gets up, arms himself with a spear and goes into the water to avenge her. He is attacked but actually manages to kill the shark. Problem is it’s not the right shark. The dead shark is a Hammerhead and the shark that took his arm and killed his girlfriend was not. One shark in a lake would be unusual to say the least, but two or more of different species would be almost impossible unless someone for some reason put them there.

It turns out Lake Crosby is infested with sharks. There’s Hammerheads, Tigers, Cookie-cutters, Bulls and Great White’s and somebody did in fact put them there for a reason. Attached to the dead Hammerhead they find a video camera. Somebody is filming the shark attacks and making snuff movies of people being eaten by sharks.

The story is totally stupid. Even if there was a market for shark snuff movies, how did they get all these sharks into the lake? Where did they find them? Did they buy them or did they catch them themselves? How did they get them there? The only way I see is if they released little baby sharks into the lake. But if the sharks has been there for some time, why hasn’t anyone caught one or at least seen one. What do they eat apart from people? Is there really enough to feed so many sharks in such a confined space? How come they don’t turn on each other? Another thing, Nick is about to become a physician yet don’t now how to perform the “kiss of life”. The way he does it his patient would have died and there wouldn’t have been any regular kissing at the end of the film.

So is it bad? Nah, if You don’t hang yourself up on everything I just complained about it’s pretty entertaining. I liked it in a B-movie way if You get my drift. It was pretty obvious from the start which of the kids are shark food and which are not. It’s also rather easy to spot the bad guys. There is a little twist though, but since that was predictable to…

My verdict: 5 out of 10.

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Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Syfy/The Asylum, USA, 2011
AKA: ?
Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman
Cast: Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, A Martinez, Kathryn Joosten, Kevin M. Horton, Carey Van Dyke, Micky Dolenz, Robert R. Shafer, Carl Ciarfalio, Steve Hart, Kaiwi Lyman, Patrick Hancock, Arden Cho, Chris Neville, Kristen Wilson, Jack Nathan Harding, Angelica Acedo, David Bantly, Kimberly Bishop, Harmony Blossom, Colleen Bosler, Jay Beyers, Clint Brink, Eddie Caldwell, Ashley Carr, Mo Caudell, Antonio D. Charity, Kate Charceston, Lauren Kim, David Chick , Robert Chu, Jenifer Cononico, Kenny Cooper, Jo Jo Crown, Candice Cunningham, Frank Lyon, Michael Dixon, Jeff DuJardin, Kim Farris, Andy Finan, Vicki Finan, Taryn T. Francis, Myron Fulton, David L. Garber, Enid Garber, Howard Gibson, Peter Grimaldo, Suzanne Gutierrez, Song Hanz, Jon Henderson, John F. Henry II, Daniel Hepner, Kylan James, Justin Jones, Mark Kivisto, Rachel Lary, Ryan Latour, Banen, Armonn Livingston, Scott Mannschreck, Lucy Mattos, Roxanna Medina, Henry Miller, Khin Myint, Cindy Newland, Derric J. Nugent, Cassandra Peca, Isabel Perez, Danielle Phelan, Antonio Quinn, Lauren Rideau, Renee Riess, Elma Rogers, Gabriella Volquartz, Peter Trenholm Smith, Vanessa Claire Stewart, Craig Stansfield, Archie Tullos ,Joseph Vega, April Wahlin, Carlo, Meredith Zerda, Valerie K. Garcia, Gregory Paul Smith, Timothy E. Goodwin, Gil Harris, Vincent De Paul, Sarah Belger, Coby Bird, Nick Bird, Thomas J. Clark, Deanna DeLisle, Jay Gillespie, Joseph Kintzer, Bob Merrick, Andrew Senita, Jennifer Skiffington, Douglas Smith, January Welsh, John Escobedo Jr., Nathan Krosley, Gary Colón, Kristen Erdogan, Erin Kolpek, Abbey Lerman, Nadejda Klein, Eric Scott Cooper, Roxy Gannon, Michael Gaglio, Angela Landis, Joseph Martinez, Ken Anthony II, Cash Flagg Jr., Mc Jones, Travis Seaborn, Christian Villarreal, Marissa Welsh

Dr. Nikki Riley and her group of animal rights activists break in to a private house and steal a number of pythons which they set free in the Everglades. There aren’t really any natural enemies to the snakes and they start to grow into extreme sizes. Eventually they start to attack alligators and kills 72 of them over a weekend. The decline in alligators make Park Ranger Terry O’Hara stop all alligator hunting permits. This upsetts the local hunters, but when she finds out giant snakes are the cause of the decline, she issues hunting permits for pythons instead. Dr. Riley isn’t happy and she and her group rally ouside the Park Ranger office.

Before the hunting expedition leaves one of the rangers instructs them on how to cut the snakes heads off and stresses the fact that they have to crush the heads after cutting them off, since they can stay alive up to an hour after being separated from the body. This information could have come in handy later on in the movie if everybody had listened. The snakehunters manages to kill some of the big pythons, but the pythons strike back and several of the hunters are killed. Among them Terry’s fiancee justin. Terry vows to avenge his death, and to get rid of all the snakes she figuers bigger alligators would tip the scale. Together with a co-ranger she in secret starts to inject dead chickens with anabolic steroids, and feed them to the alligators. Her plan seems to work since the alligators are getting bigger and the pythons are getting fewer. Terry doesn’t know that Nikki and her group has put up cameras all over the place and has managed to film Terry feeding the gators.

Six months later Terry is planning a fund raiser to help preserv wildlife. Dr. Diego Ortiz asks her to cancel the fund raiser. He has witnessed a huge python and an even bigger alligator fight each other and he realises there is a war between the two gigantic species. He wants to call in the National Guard before things get even worse. Terry refuses to listen and goes ahead with the fund raiser. Diego finds hundreds of alligator eggs 30 times their normal size. He blows them up with dynamite, but later he finds a cave where there are thousands more. Nikki and her group discovers a python skeleton the size of a train and get attacked by an alligator big as a house. She realises why Terry was feeding the gators and what she has done, so she heads for the fund raiser to confront her. Terry and Nikki gets into a catfight nockin glasses, chairs and tables over. They fight all over the place and end up in the river. During their figt Diego has tried to call them to get them to evacuate. The alligators and the pythons has stopped fighting and are on their way to town and the fund raiser together. Finally Terry and Nikki realise they have to stop fighting and work together if they are gonna be able to stop the reptiles from getting all the way to Miami.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is rather silly really, but I suppose nobody expects any Oscar nominations from The Asylum or SyFy. If You take it for what it is, it is entertaining at least. I thought it was fun, but it won’t make my top 10 list. Probably not even my top 100. If You never saw a snake eat a train this film is for You.

My verdict: 4 out of 10.

Bloody Mary 3D

Tom Cat Films, Sterling Entertainment, USA, 2011
AKA: Bloody Mary: The Legend Returns, Bloody Mary
Director: Charlie Vaughn
Writer: Keith Parker
Cast: Veronica Ricci, Alena Savostikova, Derek Jameson, Bear Badeaux, Shannon Bobo, Michael Simon, Natalie Shaheen, Ryan Barry, Genna Mc’Cohen, Shawn C. Phillips, Brittney Parker Rose, Diane Jay Gonzalez, Kevin E. Scott, Shay Golden, Ron Jeremy, Brinke Stevens

Our story begins in Los Angeles in 1904, in a small run down house. Oddly enough the house is surrounded by chain link fences, a modern mailbox and You can even se a plastic chair on the lawn. Inside the house, Mary Worth and her girlfriend is getting naked and making out on the bed. Both of them with wellmanicured long painted fingernails and with hairless crotches and armpits. I’m not complaining, but I doubt that was the fashion of the times. As Mary gets her nipples sucked and her pussy licked I started to think this wasn’t horror at all but a softcore porno. But then Marys husband shows up and by not joining them in bed proves me wrong. Instead he goes into a religious homophobic rant and ends up stabbing both girls to death.

Jump to present time. Rockstar Matt Elias, who happens to be a descendant of Mary Worths husband/murderer is making a music video. Two stupid girls break into the premises. One of them tells the other of the urban legend of Mary Worth being trapped in a mirror and by saying Bloody Mary three times in front of a mirror they set her free. The rest of the story is Bloody Mary killing everyone on the premises one by one. Sometimes naked splattered with blood, sometimes in panties and sometimes even wearing clothes. We also get to se the music video to the song “Ribcage” from Matt Elias a couple of times probably to make the film a little longer.

All in all, Bloody Mary 3D is pretty worthless. What did I like about it? Well, Victoria Ricci was naked, The song “I believe in Bloody Mary” by Creepersin and the punkish opening credits. What didn’t I like about it? Pretty much everything else to be honest.

My verdict: 2 out of 10. (Without the Creepersin song it would have been lower.)